Have you ever had a moment where you just realize something, and it feels like it goes far beyond any realization that you have ever had?
I think I had one recently. It was more of a process than a single event, but I'm beginning to realize that I am running out of time. It just hit me that I am morbidly obese and have no health problems. I weigh 330lbs, 150lbs over where I should be. How much longer can I possibly have before I develop a heart condition, joint problems, cancer, diabetes, stroke, or any of the other plethora of weight-related diseases?
I've known for the last eight years that I am overweight, and sadly, it went from a body illusion of being overweight to actually becoming borderline overweight, to borderline obesity, to obesity... and now finally; morbid obesity.
When I was 18, I thought I was huge.. and I wasn't. Trying to lose weight when I didn't need to, then gaining extra back as I rebounded from ridiculously restrictive diets, as well as a deep bout of depression stemming from failing to go on a mission led to average weight gain of 20lbs a year. I went from weighing around 180 when I was 18 to weighing in at an astonishing 330 at 25. I can't even walk up the stairs without getting winded now. The sneaking part of all of this? From the time I weighed around 200lbs on, my face has been about the same shape; so looking at pictures of me weighing 50-70lbs less than I did didn't produce a real motivation, because I looked essentially the same, just smaller. I recently found a picture from prom when I was 17... and I literally didn't recognize the guy in the picture. Intellectually, I knew it was me... but I couldn't fathom that I looked like that. It is nearly impossible for me to wrap my brain around the sharp chin, the defined jaw, the high cheekbones, the absolute absence of any roundness in my face at all. Then the body... Flat down the front, broad shoulders, wearing a tux that fit perfectly. I just can't stop looking at that picture. I just can't stop comparing where I was to where I am now. Yes; part of my desire to lose weight is body image. I knew I was fat, but I had forgotten how GOOD I can look...
A thought has been coming to mind over and over again in the last six or so months:
"The very definition of insanity is to try the same thing over and over again and expect different results"
This says something to me. I can't do what I've done before. I've been trying to do essentially the same diet for the last eight years. It happens the same way, over and over again. I get on it, I lose a little weight (10-20lbs), I plateau, I give up one day, then another, which leads to rebound eating, which leads to putting all of the lost weight back on, and then continuing to add weight, until I try to lose weight again. I have to do something new. I have to lose 150lbs, and I can't give up on whatever I decide to do in order to lose the weight.
I did some math, and realized that it came down to an average of an extra 187 calories a day that led to the massive weight gain of 150lbs over eight years. It amazed me at how little that amount is. That is less than two pieces of white bread! That is a can of soda... That broke my fictional image that I was just doomed to gain weight because of genetics, or that I was somehow eating exactly like everyone else, and still gaining weight. It is that little extra that I always would eat. Those last few bites just to enjoy the flavor a little more. That extra item I order from a fast food menu. That extra snack I had later in the day. All of these little things, and really, they could just be little things are enough to gain enormous weight.
Now, the thought has occurred to me to simply figure out how many calories I burn daily, and make sure to be 200-400 below that level; but I am flirting with danger at this weight. I am risking my life every day, just asking for a heart attack, just on the fringe of a major disaster. I need to lose weight, and I need to lose it now.
I guess a few things have gone into this realization. I realized I am turning twenty-six in a few weeks... I am hitting the downward part of my twenty's. I know, I know... I am still quite young... But thirty is not far off... and I have heard of thirty year old individuals DYING of heart attacks. I do NOT want to have four more years to live. I do NOT want these to be my "December" years of my life... I haven't even accomplished my Bachelor's degree! I've never had a career level job! I have no kids!
If someone was slowly stabbing me to death, I would kick their butt; and stop them from doing so. I have to do the same with weight.
When I die, I want it to mean something... not be as a result of long term minor overindulgence and laziness. Even if it's just the end of my life, I want it to have been a full, good life where I had a positive influence on others, where others lives were left better off.
At the same time, saying all of this doesn't really change anything. I know I've talked pretty big about losing weight before, and I know I've even blogged about it. But... I'm just realizing that I cannot let myself gain more weight. I can hardly believe I'm remembering when I was "only" 280, and wishing i weighed that much again!!! I am NOT going to wish I was "only" 330. I am going to do it this time, and I am not going to give up.
Thank You, Come Again!
Brian
